Mornings

Before now, I have never spoken of a daily behavior that I've been doing for as long as I can remember.

It seems that when I first begin to gain consciousness each morning, while lying in bed with my eyes sealed shut, I'm still very much in and out of consciousness, when I'm slowly trying to determine how full my bladder is and whether I can continue to lie in bed or make the dreaded shuffle to the loo... the first worldly concepts that I focus on are: Where am I? What day of the week is it? And then I immediately determine if all 3 of my pods are in their beds down the hall? Every single morning, without fail, are our children in their beds?

This might be a curious thing to focus on for some, but in my world, my brain immediately shifts to where are Bit, Bo and Toots? Are they here? If they aren't here, where are they? Because lets face it, there are a lot of comings and goings with children the age of mine.

Obviously, during the school year, when I realize that it is Thursday, I remember that it is a school day and I know they are in their beds. So my mind then immediately thinks, "Glory be, what time is it?" and "How long till they're tardy?"

This entire process takes but a moment, but it happens every day. Every single day.

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We took our son to a boarding school this week. Burke and I drove Bo to Chattanooga, Tennessee, this past Thursday. Bo is starting a new life in a new school. He is going to the McCallie School. We are so proud of him and his decision to go away to school. Bo and 52 other young men comprise the freshman boarding students, in a class of 161 freshman that make up the McCallie class of 2015. We went through a very organized but intense process, by which our son was moved into a beautiful freshman dormitory, registered for classes, planned for his future and then we respectfully took our leave and drove the 446 miles home. As we went through the process we had our decision confirmed over and over again. Bo is where he should be. Bo is on his path to adulthood and I won't be a daily bystander. And it is ok. It is good. It is a God thing.

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I woke up today. I knew I had to pee. I remembered it was Sunday. I wondered what time it was because I felt like I'd been hit by a mack truck. I remembered driving all day yesterday. I remembered dreaming about Spence. My mind turned to counting pods. Bit is here. Toots is here. Bo isn't. Bo isn't going to be here. Wait, a minute, Bo is missing. No, this can't be. I can't account for him at this very moment.

Burke is beside me. I say aloud, "Spence is missing." I think, "oh God, Spence is far away." I am fearful. I want to cry. I wish this wasn't happening. The enemy loves to get me with fear.

Burke replies, "He's not missing. He's just not here. He's in a great place."

My new reality began today. I won't be able to make a daily morning accounting of Bo. My feet will hit the floor each day and I won't know that he is safe and warm and needs to get up and get going. I knew I would blog about Spence's leaving, and his new life. I thought it would be a few pictures of our journey there or a pithy, upbeat entry that was hopeful and happy.

My mornings will be different from now on.

I am going to have to trust in a Heavenly Father that I'm a little untrusting of. I suppose that I'm going to be forced to grow up, to grow in Faith, and to rely on God to protect something that I cherish. My track record isn't so good with desiring a loving relationship with Him. I know this life choice is for me too. I will be grateful. I am grateful.

My mornings will be different from now on.