A Heart Attack

Funny thing happened on my way to see if I qualified for a LAP BAND....

Perhaps, I should start at the beginning.... A year or so ago--being very unhappy with my current weight and having spent most of my adult life being overweight, I went to a Duke Bariatric Seminar to inquire about surgical procedures to assist in weight loss. I wasn't fat enough. Bummer. I am fat enough to be able to shop in Woman's Clothing stores--and have no choices whatsoever--but not SUPER PIG OBESE...ugh. I thought to myself--Great, I'm going to have to strap weights on my body to get the BMI needed....to qualify and then I'm going to need to prove that I have a second thing wrong with me to get BCBSNC to cover it. Duke also said this scary sentence.... "you won't be able to drink fizzy drinks (think Perrier) and eat steak" OMG. I left.

Recently, I ran into a gal that I've known forever--she is 10 years my junior--and I knew her when she was a kid and she is a BEAUTIFUL person. She has always struggled with her weight. Fat or Thin--she is drop dead gorgeous. Anyway--she had ballooned up in recent years. And was loosing her battle with weight. However, when I saw her, she was 36 weeks pregnant and just so dainty, small and happy.... I asked, "WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED TO YOU....?" And she said-- LAP BAND.

Flash Forward a Year: Guess what? I ate a whole helluva lot and barely, just by the hairs on my chinny-chin-chin, made the required minimum BMI--without putting 5 pound weights in my pockets, to be considered for the procedure! Ha.

Without boring you with the long conversation we had that day, the continued phone conversations, the googling research on my part, the YOUTUBE videos I've watched....discovering that I could continue to drink Perrier and eat steak...I decided to seek out this gal's Christian Doc, in Raleigh/Cary, and investigate the procedure sincerely as an option for me.

Which leads me to my heart attack. And gall stones. Rather Gall BOULDER. And gall bladder removal surgery.

Last week, I went back to the Bariatric doctor after being phoned and told that the pre-op tests they had administered to see if I could manage the Lap Band, had shown that I had gall stones and that my gall bladder needed to come out before they could do the Lap Band surgery. I went blithefully over to the Docs office, rather amused that I was so old-fart as to NEED my Gall Bladder taken out--when the Doc looks at me and says, "I would like to schedule your gall bladder removal surgery, but FIRST you need to get a cardiologist's clearance"

"WHAT!?!? WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY? " Clearance for whom?

"Yes, from the EKG you received at REX HOSPITAL, it would seem that at some time in your life you've had a heart attack and your heart has sustained damage."

"Alrighty then."

SH*T. I was most brave in the Doc's office but texted B. Daddy to get his a$$ straight over there, before I fell out in the parking lot. We talked. B. was worried. I had to find a HEART DOC. UGH.

I ended up driving directly from that parking lot to my primary care physician at Duke Primary- ....I pounded on the door and said, "let me in!" Right then and there the adorable Sri Lank Doc squished me into her jam packed afternoon.... I said, "HEY--did you forget to notice my heart condition when I was in here for my yearly exam, 2 weeks ago?"

A Bewildered Adorable Sri Lankan Doc...blinked at me.

An immediate EKG was administered--and my heart LOOKED GREAT. But guess what? I still had to find a cardiologist and get clearance. I went directly to B. Daddy's father... STAN-the-MAN Hutcheson.... who just so happens to have spent the last 40 years making machines that monitor the heart. A man who can read an EKG upside down who says upon examining both EKGS-- "Looks like the technician at Rex hooked up the lead wires incorrectly." Hmph. STAN said this in much more technical fashion and I was bored to tears--but the bottom line was someone at REX screwed up. Namely--the ding dong tech that wanted to get a cup of coffee and grab a cigarette.

The saga continued and I squirreled my way into seeing Goggy's cardiologist today. After another EKG--I got the final word that my heart was fine. I still have to do a Echo Stress Test where they run my butt on a tread mill for 2 hours and watch me gasp for air....but I will receive the clearance needed to get my gall bladder taken out through my tummy on Monday afternoon, May 17, as an outpatient procedure at Rex. Do I want to go to REX?

My family (Goggy) and a couple friends think I should tell REX about the skunky tech down in the basement. I made one phone call but it will take a lot of effort to find superiors and squawk and I don't know if I have it in me.

So--back to the Lap Band. After the gall bladder comes out my guts need to rest for 4 weeks. I will go to Italy in June, with my oldest 2 pods and watch Bit play the violin with her violin ensemble and Bo and I will eat our way through all of Northern Italy if given half a chance. BCBSNC has not approved the Lap Band for me... and a 2 oz. pouch seems very small....I don't know what I'll do if and when the procedure is approved. It would happen in July and I could very easily take off 50 pounds in six months. My beauty friend went from 250 to 180 in 5 months.

I am an over eater. I like sugar. But I really LOVE food. I'm one of those crazy foodies. I am a quantity girl. I live to EAT. I don't eat to LIVE. Individuals that have great success with the LAP BAND are the ones that are quantity eaters. Sugar people do better with the Gastric Y. I get happy thinking about food and social events. My friend with the LAP BAND says that she can eat everything she ever ate in life--just a whole lot less. I aspire to wear normal clothes--size 12s. I don't aspire to do Triathlons and repeat 2007's weight loss and exercise misery.

I get THE swag when I wear a good pair of jeans. I don't want to work my a$$ off and loose the same 40, gain 50 for the rest of my life. Obesity runs in my family. I want to see my Pods get married. I'm ready to go if the Lord calls me--actually, that would be really great--however, I think that HE wants me here. So, if I'm stuck here I want to enjoy life more fully, play with the Pods and stuff my curvey butt into smaller jeans.

I am learning that people have such definite opinions about Bariatric science. And that they also feel free to speak up and tell you those opinions. I believe at the end-of-the-day everyone in my life will pony up and support me if I do this....we'll just have to see what BCBSNC has to say about it.

I will Blog about this. How could I not? There have been hilarious things that have happened along the way so far--I slept in a Sleep Apnea clinic...I had rubber cement in my hair and only qualified with mild obstructive upper respiratory sleep apnea (alas, no sleep machine for me) and that was one of things that would've qualified me for the surgery.....Going to the Bariatric Doctor's Office is an experience in and of itself...the people, the CHAIRS....the HUGE CHAIRS! I will chronicle this adventure--but for the sake of my poor kid in middle school--the 13 year old--I won't post a YOUTUBE video series--the series will be made, fear not. It just won't go cyber.

I'm glad I didn't have a heart attack.