sisty

i miss Sisty.

my mom's little sister died two weeks ago. no warning--nothing. gone. i am waiting to hear what the final cause of death was.

the world is empty without Sisty. someone is missing. the safety net is gone. i know her girls are aching with sisty withdrawl. no morning calls and check in. i still have to say it aloud and i still can't believe it. with the exception of Weenie--there is no one left that i can call.

sisty and i called the allentown house for years and years after it was no longer. 432-3241. i asked ferf if he'd deleted sisty yet. i haven't and won't for awhile. grief is weird--i could look at a bottle of bear's conditioner for years, drive her car all day long every day, but i couldn't bear to see dasjhs@aol.com or have her cell contact in my cell. pain. pain. pain. i wanted to tell the girls to each get a tube of her lipstick. i didn't.

i can call my fly-girls in a pinch--but old school--know everything from the get-go--know me and my life--complete comprehension--they are dwindling. all but gone. ferf is adorable, but no. the chicklets are wonderful, but no. they come after me.

sisty's tinies are just that tiny. tiny Godly woman. waaaay more so than i was at 39. i hope God tells Sisty how brave and holy they've been. she would be so proud. i talk to those girls a litttle. i facebook 2 of 3.

i go to sisty's facebook and look at it. it is the same emotion as when you have a baby and want to scream, "hey world, i just had a baby! don't you know it? stop and have a moment of silence." i want to say--"world--there is no sisty--just this wall--don't you know it"

the weekend that sisty died, a local boy that was a senior in high school took his life. i had heard that his mother had been writing on his FB wall. she is talking to him on his wall. there is a side of me that wants to write on sisty's wall--maybe, i'll private message her. sisty is with God in the Heavenlies, with her big sister. i wonder what they talk about? they don't talk about Facebook.

i emailed uncle. i didn't think he would respond. but i was kind of hoping he would. it was a C-R-A-Z-Y serena email. i don't know if he knows about FB, my FB, his son's FB or this blog. sisty used to say that my mom would probably TRIP on my having a blog. she said worse but that is what i'm going with for now. that trio of sibs did not go public. never write anything that you don't want to see in public again and again. i know why. i like blogging because it sometimes feels like i'm talking to them. to God.

i love you, sisty. i hate that you are gone. tell bear, hello. tell her wait for me and don't tell all the good stories. tell her i'm lonely for her. i'll miss laughing with you diddy.